Tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day of my life.

My mom doesn’t want me to talk about it on Facebook or Twitter, so here I am. I’m going through a hard time and writing helps me. I need to write myself through this.

Tomorrow, my best friend of 17 years is going to heaven. My precious Max. He has been sick for a few years now, but I strongly believe he has been holding on for us. I am completely heartbroken and torn up, as I look outside and see the hole in the ground where we will place him. My mom and I went out and bought a box to bury him in. Its a gorgeous beige box with butterflies and covered in pictures of sheet music and music notes. It may sound silly, but I have some comfort in him being buried in this. He will be buried in music notes…something I hold dear to my heart … music. It’s comforting to me. Tomorrow, I will listen to the song that is printed all over the box, “My Love Across the Sea.”

I remember when he had a health scare in my third year of high school and I told him “Please, just hold on until I go to college.” I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle being around for his death, so I would hope that it would happen while I was away at college. Unfortunately, I ended up choosing a college where I could live at home. I’m glad in a way, though. Running away from his death would have been disrespectful to him. After all he has done for me, I owe him this. I need to be here for him as he leaves this life. He kept that promise to me though, and then some. I’m now finishing up my second year of college. We got our dogs when I was three years old. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t had Shelby and Max. I love them both with all my heart, but I always had a special friendship with Max. I remember when he would run into my room and wake me up in the morning. All my mom had to say was “Go get Alexis!” and he would run into my room with so much excitement. God put him in my life to show me love. I am certain of that.

As some of you may know, I was intensely bullied growing up and have never been able to make friends. There were many days where I would come home in tears, but I always had Max at home waiting for me. He always was there to help me dry my tears and show me love unconditionally.

Children at school would tease me for being overweight, but Max would love me if I gained 100 pounds or not. It didn’t matter to him. He never judged. I could disappoint people, my friends, my parents … but theres nothing I could do to disappoint Max. He showed me that unconditional love. If I didn’t have him, I dont know how I would have gotten through those hard days.

I’ve dealt with these issues all my life. Just last week, some people were very mean to me in one of my college classes. I came home crying. Now, what if that ever happens again? I won’t have Max to come home to. But then again, maybe it wont happen again. Maybe God is taking him away from me at this time, because I am finally strong enough to be on my own. This past year I have become more stable with who I am. I’m more accepting of myself. Max helped me get through the hardest times of my life and now I am hopeful that I am strong enough to get through without him. I owe my strength to him. He showed me love so I could begin to love myself.

I hate that he is suffering right now. It breaks my heart, but tomorrow he will be free of any pain. This is my time to be there for him. I know he is leaving this earth with nothing but love for us. I know if it was up to him, he would stay with us forever, but he can’t. It’s okay, though. He doesn’t have to hang on anymore for us. He can let go. God will take care of him and love him.

You may think I’m stupid for being this upset over a “dog”, but he is more than a dog. I don’t care what any one says. He is like my family. He is my family. 

So as I’m sitting here typing this, crying, I’m trying to gain some closure. Tomorrow will be the first day I won’t be coming home to Max. Tomorrow, I will have to visit the grave of my best friend. Tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life. Tomorrow, God is going to get the most precious gift. Tomorrow, I will have an angel amongst the clouds.

Goodbye, my friend. I will love you forever and I will never forget you. You have been the best blessing in my life. You will always have a place in my heart and nothing will replace that.

<3